


Gathering the Troops

by Darth_Cass



Series: Sam And Max Wedding Week 2021 [5]
Category: Sam & Max (Comics)
Genre: Devil's Playhouse spoilers, Fluff and Humor, Geek is their kid I don't make the rules, M/M, Takes place some time after the Devil's Playhouse, This is mostly an excuse for dumb jokes but tbh that's the ideal with Sam and Max content, wedding invitations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:09:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darth_Cass/pseuds/Darth_Cass
Summary: Sam and Max invite their various friends and allies to their wedding. Written for Sam and Max Wedding Week 2021
Relationships: Max/Sam (Sam & Max), Sal/Girl Stinky (mentioned/implied)
Series: Sam And Max Wedding Week 2021 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2093796
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Gathering the Troops

"Shotgun wedding?" Sybil looked at the piece of paper in her hands. "You still have no idea what that means do you?"

"Sure, I do, see if you look on the other side it even say to bring ya' own shotgun." Max grinned up at Sybil. Sam mouthed the words _"just let him have this"_ behind him; either that or something about Koalas. Lip reading was admittedly not one of her better skills. Although now that she thought of it, she should try to practice, it would be nice to include on a resume.

"Ah, well thanks guys. I'll definitely try to see if I can make it. I'm still not sure why you needed to come over and deliver it in person though."

"Do we need a reason to come visit our favourite professional whatever-is-weirdly-relevant-to-our-current-case worker?" Max asked, batting his eyes in a way meant to look innocent but on him mostly looked unnerving.

"No, of course not. I'm always happy to see you guys. But I also know you both well enough to know when you want something."

"Well, now that you mention it," Sam chuckled good-naturedly. "We were hoping to ask you if your sweet little abomination born of an unholy union would be our flower girl."

"You mean Maxine? That's so sweet guys, I'm sure she'd love it; she's about at the age where throwing things around is her favourite thing." 

"Sounds like she's taking after her namesake then." Sam said.

"Is little Max junior here right now? I'm sure she'd love to see her two favorite uncles!" Max asked, flapping his arms in excitement. The two Freelance Police had always had a soft spot for kids, but Max especially loved Sybil's daughter. He was always so eager to play with her every time they visited Sybil. It was sweet and the little tyke seemed to enjoy playing with her uncle Max just as much.

"Sorry Max, she's asleep and I don't want to disturb her nap." Sybil smiled apologetically while Max pouted. Sam pat his head in sympathy which based on the small smile that appeared on his, seemed to be effective in cheering him up a bit.

"That's alright Sybil, Max and I really can't stick around for too long anyway. We have more invitations we have to give out."

"Alright, well don't be a stranger, guys. Abe and I always appreciate having visitors." Sam and Max said their good-byes and promises to visit again soon. As soon as they had left the house and were sure they were out of earshot, Max let out a groan.

"I can't believe she's still with that Lincoln loser. You think an independent career woman like Sybil would have gotten better taste by now. Does this mean he'll be at the wedding?"

"Well, his daughter is going to be our flower girl and we invited his wife so it's a reasonable assumption." This answer caused Max to groan again. "Aw, cheer up Max. Think of it this way, maybe if we annoy him enough at the reception he'll leave early."

Ooooo yeah that could work. I do have some new techniques that I've added to my repertoire that I've been meaning to practice!"

You crack me up little buddy, especially when you use words like 'repertoire'. Now come on, these invitations aren't going to send themselves."

\------------- 

The next stop for the day was Dr. Momma Bosco's lab. It was still just as spooky and ominous looking as ever, despite the fact that she was now once again a member of the living. At the moment she seemed to be working on some sort of complicated machine. The Freelance Police weren't her only visitors either, their favourite mysterious secret service agent Superball was there as well.

"Hey Dr. Momma B!" Sam called out as he and Max entered the lab, "Hiya Superball!" 

Momma Bosco looked up from her work and turned towards the surprise visitors. "Oh, hey guys, good to see you!" She smiled and waved them over to come further inside the lab.

"A pleasure to see you as always sirs," Superball said in usual tone of voice.

"Glad to see you're as chipper as always!" Max said.

"So, whatcha working on anyway?" Sam asked. "Some sort of top-secret government project that if you told us what it was, you'd have to kill us?" 

"No, that's next week," Momma Bosco answered, "I'm currently working on a single target-based teleporter to send letters to Roscoe."

"Roscoe?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, Roscoe. You know, my son."

"Oh right! It's always weird hearing someone you know being referred to by an unfamiliar name," Sam commented.

"So, why go through all the trouble of inventing a teleporter just send a letter?" Max asked.

"Well Roscoe's recently decided that he no longer trusts the postal service. And since he also doesn't trust telephones, the internet, fax machines, or carrier pigeons, this is about the only way I can get in contact with him."

"Well, mailmen are pretty suspicious, so I can understand that," Sam said. "How do you know if it works?" 

"That's why I'm here sirs," Superball answered. "I'm currently using my resources to track Bosco to determine whether or not he has received the messages from Momma Bosco."

"I think I'm starting to see why the guy might have trust issues," Max said.

"But enough about me," Momma Bosco said, "what brings you guys here?"

"Funnily enough we actually have messages of our own to deliver." Sam handed Momma Bosco an invitation. She read it quickly and then smiled.

"A wedding? I'd love to go!"

"Glad to hear it Momma B! Since you've got a relevant invention, do you think you could send one to Bosco for us as well?" Sam asked.

"We would do it ourselves," Max explained, "we just don't want to."

"Sure, as long as you've got a couple of extras I could use. I'm still working out a few kinks, and the last attempt to send something spontaneously exploded when it arrived."

"That's fine, we've got plenty to spare," Sam said as he handed out a handful of invitations to Momma Bosco.

"Not to be presumptuous sirs," Superball interjected, "but it appears that you still haven't given me my invitation yet."

"That's because we don't have one for you!" Max answered with his typical manic grin.

"Oh, I see," Superball said in his usual monotone, "I'll be honest sirs, I'm trying very hard not to be too emotionally affected by this blow, but it is a crushing disappointment."

"What Max meant to say was that we're not inviting you because we were actually hoping you'd be the one to conduct our service. You were the most qualified person we could think of."

"And the cheapest," Max added.

"That too, but I was trying to tactfully avoid that part."

"Don't say 'tactfully', Sam."

"I'm honored that you two would have me be the one to consolidate your union. I'd love to, sirs. I'm completely overjoyed at this prospect."

"Geez, no need to get so emotional about it."

"As much as we'd love to see how many explosions it takes before you can successfully send Bosco his invite, we've got more to hand out," Sam said.

"Alrighty, have fun boys," Momma Bosco said as she turned back to tinker with her teleporter.

Just before leaving Max yelled out to Superball. "We'll send ya' the details of the ceremony later by carrier pigeon." Superball just responded with a nod as the duo left the lab.

\-------------

"Oh joy, Jeffery and Thompson are here," Girl Stinky deadpanned behind the counter of the infamousky inedible diner, Stinky's. After her derisive comment she immediately went back to texting on her phone, trying to ignore the two irritants that had just entered.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Max asked.

Stinky looked up from her phone to glare at the lagomorph. "Aren't you?"

Max opened his mouth as if he were about to respond then he immediately closed it. After a moment of silent contemplation, he shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough."

"Questions about your non-deceased status aside, is your grandpa around? We have something we wanted to ask him."

"Haven't seen him." Stinky answered, turning all her attention back to her phone.

"Well do you think you can give him something for us?" Sam asked. 

"Maybe," She replied, still not taking her eyes off her phone. "What is it?" Before Sam or Max could answer an angry gorilla-man wearing a sailor's hat burst out of the kitchen.

"Really, woman? Arsenic in my coffee? Yer getting lazier by the day," The gorilla grumbled.

"Oh, grandpa!" Stinky said in a painfully forced cheerful tone. "Whatever are you talking about I had no idea you were even here!"

"Even if ye' are kin, Ah swear ye'll be the death of me."

"That's the idea," Stinky muttered under breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, grandpa!"

"Hiya Grandpa Stinky," Sam interrupted.

"Oh great." Grandpa Sinky grumbled, "if you two are here for some concoction needed for some cockamamie case, go find someone else to bother. We're closed" The cantankerous old man in a space-gorilla's body made a shooing motion trying to get rid of the unwanted visitors.

"Do people really say 'cockamamie'?" Max questioned.

"It does make for a neat bit of added alliterative appeal at least," Sam commented. "But actually, we're just here to drop off some wedding invitations."

"Wedding invitation, pah! Why would I bother going to the wedding of you two idiots?"

"Because you're a sad and pathetic lonely old man with nothing better to do in his free time?" Max said. Grandpa Stinky wordlessly glared at Max, who just smiled in response. Sam just handed the gorilla-man the invitation wordlessly, ignoring the weird staring contest he seemed to be having with Max. The elderly Stinky took the invitation and examined its contents.

"Bring ye' own shotgun, eh? Well, ah don't get the opportunity to take me shotgun out often..." Grandpa Stinky mumbled to himself. "Ah'm not making any promises, but we'll see."

"Works for me!" Sam said. He turned towards the other Stinky. "We've got an invitation for you as well." He handed her the card.

"I doubt I'll be able to make it. I've got a shindig with Beyoncé and Keanu Reeves that I absolutely _can't_ miss. It's been far too long since our last get together."

"Suit yourself," Sam shrugged. He then turned to his professional and romantic partner. "Where to next, little buddy?"

"How about Hell?" Max suggested. "There are couple of people there ya wanted to invite right? Like that Sal guy you told me about!"

Girl Stinky's eyes widened as she dropped her phone onto the floor. "What was that about Sal?" she asked with a sense of genuine urgency.

"Well to be fair we're not quite sure if he's actually in Hell, that option just seemed to be the easiest place to look into first, plus Satan does owe us from that time we saved Hell," Sam explained.

"We saved hell?!" Max exclaimed.

"Er...sorta'," Sam rubbed the back neck awkwardly. Clearly not wanting to have the 'it was with the other you' talk. "But anyway, technically this Max hasn't actually met Sal and I figured the wedding would be the perfect opportunity to introduce them. Plus, Sal's a great guy and it'd be nice to have him there if we can figure out how."

"Ah I see," Stinky said in a quiet voice. She stared off into the wall opposite of her, looking to be deep in thought. Everyone else in the room looked at her as if she had grown another head that started singing opera.

"Stinky?" Sam asked with a voice full of concern and confusion, mostly confusion. "Are you alright?"

"Huh?" Stinky immediately shook her head. The question seemed to snap her out of whatever daze she fell under. She picked up her phone off the ground and began texting as if nothing happened "I'm fine, now as I was saying I'd be happy to grace you all with my presence at your...uh whatever it is."

"You mean our _wedding?_ " Max said.

"Yeah that." 

"What about your non-existent engagement with those celebrities you name-dropped earlier in a vain attempt to sound more important than you really are?" Sam asked.

"Oh, that can be rescheduled at any time." Stinky waved a hand dismissively. "Keanu and Bey will understand."

"Glad to hear it! In that case, shall we head to h-e-double hockey sticks little buddy?"

"Let's!" 

"And a good riddance to ye'!" Grandpa Stinky yelled out.

\-------------

"That sure was quite the adventure in Hell," Max said as he entered the office. "It was a lot colder than I expected it to be though." He shivered a bit, still trying to warm up.

"Nice expositional transition glossing over that unwritten escapade, Max."

"Don't say 'escapade', Sam," Max replied. "Are we done handing out invitations yet? This much running around with such little rampant violence is _exhausting._ " As he said this, he collapsed onto the floor.

"We're just about done little buddy, all that's left is Flint and-"

"Flint Paper!" Max sat up with a large smile; all signs of exhaustion vanished instantly. "I love that guy! We gotta' invite my best man."

"I think you misspoke there, pal. I thought we already agreed Flint was _my_ best man."

"That doesn't sound like something I'd agree to. You must have me confused for some other Max." As he said this, the lagomorph inched closer to the door, trying to be inconspicuous. Out of nowhere, Sam suddenly picked up Max by the ears.

"And where do you think you're going?"

Max let out an over-the-top gasp. "Why my dear Samuel, whatever are you implying? Do you really think I'd head over to Flint Paper's office and ask him to be my best man before you get the chance to? How could you even accuse me of such a thing? I am shocked and appalled." Sam raised an eyebrow and said nothing in reply. After a minute of skeptical silence Max decided to break the silence. "Okay, yeah you got me. Can't blame a guy for trying though." More silence. "...You're not mad, are you?"

"Only mad I didn't think of it first!" Sam immediately threw Max behind him and made a break for the door.

"Oh no you don't!" Max stood up with nearly lightening-like reflexes and immediately rushed toward Sam. Max attempted to tackle Sam and although he was unable to knock over his much larger partner, he was able to bite him which was just as an effective deterrent, really.

The two went at this for a solid 10 minutes, with no signs of stopping. Lagomorphs were thrown, dogs were bitten, and cartoonish slapstick violence was exchanged on both sides all while shouts of "He's my best man!" "No, he's mine!" rang throughout the office. They suddenly stopped when they heard a knock on the door. The two stood frozen in a tableau where Sam was holding Max by the ears as the lagomorph was attempting to get free. Before either of them could answer it the person on the other side opened it.

"Hey fellas, do ya' think you can keep it down? This racket is making it hard to hear the screaming confession of the scumbag I'm interrogating."

"Sorry about that, Flint," Sam said as he dropped Max who fell to the ground with an undignified "oomph". "Since you're here, the two of us were wondering..."

Max stood up. "If you'd like to come to our wedding and more importantly whose best man would you rather be?"

"A wedding? Hey congrats guys! I'd love to be your best man," Flint said.

"Gee, that's awfully nice of ya' and all but, whose best man are you going to be exactly?" Max asked. "It's me right, you gotta' tell Sam here it's m-mphphph." Sam's hand covered Max's mouth as he tried to speak.

"Aw man do I hafta' choose? Can't I just be best man to the both of ya'?"

"Is that allowed?" Max asked after successfully removing Sam's hand from his mouth.

"I don't see why not!" Sam replied. "Thanks Flint, we really appreciate that. We'll keep it down now, have fun with your interrogation."

"Thanks, fellas. Congrats again to the both of ya'," Flint said as he left and headed back to his own office. Seconds later, screams of "I'll talk, I'll talk!!" could be heard.

"It sure was nice of Flint to agree to be our shared best man." Sam commented above the screams. 

"Sure was!" Max said. "So, is that everyone then?"

"Not quite we still have one more person left."

\-------------

After a quick trip down their fire pole, the two arrived at their final destination - the lab of one Darla Gugenheek, or the Geek as she was more commonly known.

"Hi Geek!" The two Freelance Police exclaimed at the same time.

The Geek turned away from her giant supercomputer to greet the visitors. "Hey guys, did you guys finish delivering all your invitations?"

"Sure did," Sam answered, "we invited Sybil and her kid, The Boscos, Superball, The Stinkys, Flint Paper..."

"The Commissioner, Bruno, Trixie, Leonard, the director of WARP TV, Mr. Featherly, Jimmy Two-Teeth, John, Sam Jr., Satan, Sal, not to mention all of our assorted relatives," Max added. "Granny Ruth even agreed, to walk Sam down the aisle!"

"In fact, we only have one more invitation to hand out. We saved the best for last."

"Oh yeah, who?" the Geek asked.

"Yours of course!" Max answered giving her their last invitation.

"Uh, thanks, but isn't it a bit pointless to give me an invitation? I'm your kid after all, wasn't it just a given that I'd be there anyway?"

"Well yeah, but Max and I didn't want our ring bearer and child genius extraordinaire to feel left out."

"Well thanks that's..." The Geek paused as she looked over her invitation. "Uh guys, I think you forgot something kind of important." She handed the invitation to Sam. He examined the contents and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Holy Julius Caesar ending his life insurance policy during the Ides of March. We forget to put a date, time, and location on the invitation!"

"Oh well, time is meaningless anyway!" Max said.

"True enough, little pal. Still, we should probably contact everyone and make sure they're not left wandering around aimlessly during our special day."

"When and where is it happening anyway?" Geek asked. Sam and Max turned to each other wordlessly, confusion on both of their faces. "This wasn't supposed to be a trick question! I'd expect Max not to know, but you Sam?"

"Guess Max and I just got so excited about the wedding we forgot a few things. I guess that old saying is wrong. Love isn't blind, it's forgetful."

"What was that? I completely forgot what you just said," Max said.

"It wasn't important, let's go home and wait for the inevitable phone calls of everyone trying to figure out how to RSVP for an event they can't mark down on their calendars."

"Okay! When they call can I answer the phone?"

"Absolutely not." Sam turned toward his adopted child. "Are you heading back too, Geek?"

"In a bit, I'm working on solving world hunger right now."

"Alright, kiddo. We'll see you later then." Sam and Max made their way to the elevator out of the Geek's lab. "Well Max, this sure was an eventful though ultimately meaningless day." 

"And that's different from any other day, how?"

"The lack of any problems being solved through picking up random items. Also, the lack of anyone being maimed or seriously injured."

"So even more meaningless than usual then!"

"True;" Sam said reaching out to hold Max's hand. "But at least we got to spend it together seeing all our loved ones and not-do loved ones."

"Wow, Sam, that's incredibly gay!" Max happily grabbed the hand reaching out to him. "I guess I don't disagree though. I love you, Sam."

"And I love you, little buddy." Sam kissed the top of Max's head, who just giggled in response.

"Do you love me enough to let me answer the phone?"

"Nope."

"Dammit"

**Author's Note:**

> So there was at least one other character I wanted to include but didn't have a good spot for it so I might make a second chapter to include it as a fun bonus but we'll see. 
> 
> As always thanks to Billie for feedback and editing. You're the best.


End file.
